Desperate for Posh Totty - Kenneth, UK

Dear Aunt Maudlyn, 

I’m writing to you for direction and advice. I’ve been on the quest for love of all kinds (sexual, emotional, material) for several years now and I’m finding it hard to find my niche amongst the women of this world. I’ve reached a dead end - more often than not I find myself hanging out with girlfriends of friends, or just ‘friendzoning’ the life out of girls I meet on a day to day basis. I can’t work out what I’m doing wrong. Could you help? Here’s a little bit of background info that might hold the key to my recent barren years - I spend a lot of time with girls that can only be described as ‘strongly middle class’. 
I myself am a man of the people, working class through and through and someone my friends describe as a ‘good kid’. But these girls - these girls can only be described as ‘twats’ and yet I hang out with them time and time again. I’ve developed my middle class banter and competently keep up with their musings on life, skiing, house prices and keeping fit, but somehow it isn’t getting me anywhere. Can they see through this facade? Am I best finding a nice girl in Asda in Boots, someone who’s a bit more on my ‘level’ intellectually and emotionally? 

Kind regards, 

Anon

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Dear Kenneth,

I apologise for the long delay in answering your question. I would have answered it immediately, but unlike with your situation, my own juices have been flowing like Pakistani mud huts in Tsunami season. At one point, I even considered installing a 2-way rotary system downstairs, but my financial adviser suggested not - stating that this could negatively affect my above-average lady parts, and lead to a reduction in profits.

Like you, I too was born as working class scum. Having ridden my way from the gutters of Hull to the gutters of Belgravia, I am probably the best person to offer advice with regards to your situation. Don’t waste your time on middle class women. Middle-class women are famously bad in the bedroom. Most would rather masturbate against their horse saddles than sleep with their partners, which is why the twisted, perverted, sexually-frustrated husbands often call upon my niche services. Furthermore, middle-class women only ever marry wealthy men – with the exception of those who stay single because no man could ever satisfy them like their dear “Mr Cloppyhoof”.

Due to the fact that you have not sent in a photo of either yourself or your genitalia, I am unable to offer you a horoscope reading or determine whether the cause of your problem could be a medical condition. It is possible that you may be suffering from an affliction known as “veryuglybastard” syndrome. If you do suffer with this disorder, then never fear! There is still hope!

In such situations, my default advice would be to look elsewhere in the market. Why not try an older woman, or a woman with a hare-lip? Alternatively, you could find yourself a heroin addict. Though heroin addicts often have a bad reputation in our society, you might find that underneath the drug addiction they sometimes have not bad personalities – and they might not even rob you after sex, provided they get their fix first.

Best regards,

Aunt Maudlyn