Free to be Flatulent! Anne, Birmingham

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My heart is full of woe as I write this letter to you. I am a bubbly, fun-loving individual but of late my happiness has been marred by chronic flatulence.

As a result of this incurable problem, my husband now refuses to go down on me during the sex. Last time not only did I break wind, I followed through. I’m only thirty-one, and we’d been planning on having children together, but my stomach problem has severely damaged the passion that was once between us.

Please, tell me what to do or my marriage will die.

Anne

______________________________________________

Dear Anne,

I am much aggrieved to hear of your uncomfortable predicament. Your husband must be very frustrated, and disgusted, by your problems. However, although I’m sure you count yourself lucky that he’s stayed, the ball is now in your court.

He has remained out of love, in spite of your grotesque disability. Now is your turn to show an act of love and kindness. Set him free, and join a convent. He’s still a young man – he deserves to live a normal life, free from the repugnant scent that lingers and engulfs him.

Without him, or any other men around you, your current shame – caused by the obvious feelings of revulsion that you illicit in the opposite sex – will trouble you no more. Your flatulence is a symbolic calling from Jesus. Respond to that call. Take the veil. You will be free again, to devote your time and attention to the convent rules.

Having received my PhD in ancient scriptures from the Universally acclaimed Cornwall Road Academy of Religion (it’s above the off-licence), I consider myself an expert on this matter – and so should you. It is stated in an ancient text, amongst those religious ones, that for a woman to preserve her dignity she must conceal herself. Only anonymity can forgive a female her flatulence!

Good luck with these steps ahead of you. 

Maudlyn