Dear Aunt Maudlyn,
I am experiencing strange symptoms that I think may be
indicative of the menopause.
CAN YOU HELP ME?
Have you gone through it yourself, or is that too personal a question to ask?
CAN YOU HELP ME?
Have you gone through it yourself, or is that too personal a question to ask?
Anon.
____________________________________________________
Dear Jean,
While I can certainly offer advice on this matter, I have no
idea what you must be going through. Thankfully, I have many years left in my
tank. My juices are flowing like Nigeria Falls. One look at Johnny Depp, and I’m
wetter than Sri Lanka in monsoon season.
Now, menopause is a problem that many women experience in life – provided they don’t die before they reach the appropriate age. It’s a time when women experience incontinence, vaginal dryness, chronic fatigue, repulsive body odour, and unsightly facial and body hair growth.
A friend of mine was rendered so dry she’d queef sandstorms in the bedroom, and was banned from the local swimming pool for soaking up the water. On one passionate occasion with her husband, she ran out of Castrol and started a bush fire due to the friction! Poor Barry’s Lord Richard was in bandages for months. Eventually he had to have an orchidectomy to reduce his testosterone levels, to avoid the need for further skin grafts.
In order to maintain a healthy sex life, I would recommend that you buy your partner a dust mask and nose plugs, as well as purchasing rubber sheets for the mattress and carpets. In order to prevent friction burns or grazing, it’s advisable to use Castrol GTX or similar products for long-lasting lubrication and prevention of engine sludge build-up.
Finally, cocaine is my personal drug of choice for maintaining energy levels – and I hear it works well for people of all ages. I would also suggest total face and body lasering to deal with that unsightly ‘Yeti’ appearance that you’re bound to be experiencing.
Now, menopause is a problem that many women experience in life – provided they don’t die before they reach the appropriate age. It’s a time when women experience incontinence, vaginal dryness, chronic fatigue, repulsive body odour, and unsightly facial and body hair growth.
A friend of mine was rendered so dry she’d queef sandstorms in the bedroom, and was banned from the local swimming pool for soaking up the water. On one passionate occasion with her husband, she ran out of Castrol and started a bush fire due to the friction! Poor Barry’s Lord Richard was in bandages for months. Eventually he had to have an orchidectomy to reduce his testosterone levels, to avoid the need for further skin grafts.
In order to maintain a healthy sex life, I would recommend that you buy your partner a dust mask and nose plugs, as well as purchasing rubber sheets for the mattress and carpets. In order to prevent friction burns or grazing, it’s advisable to use Castrol GTX or similar products for long-lasting lubrication and prevention of engine sludge build-up.
Finally, cocaine is my personal drug of choice for maintaining energy levels – and I hear it works well for people of all ages. I would also suggest total face and body lasering to deal with that unsightly ‘Yeti’ appearance that you’re bound to be experiencing.
Best wishes,
Maudlyn
What a load of musogynustic unkind crop this is Maudlyn. Have you ever considered quitting the advice game. You are clearly past it now. I think you're lying anyway. How do you know so much about it (allegedly) if you (allegedly) haven't been through it yourself.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you're just nasty.
Someone should DO something about about you. Meanwhile. SHUT UP.