Abandoned and Isolated. Lilia, Ojai.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,


My fiancée has just left me and now I must start over from square one, in a brand new city where I know no one. I’m 5000 miles from my beloved. How do I survive the heart break while simultaneously acclimatising to new surroundings and a new life.


Signed,


Lilia
_______________________________________________________


Dear Lilia,


All men are like dogs. If they don’t do as they’re told, you kick them in the gut. If they sniff around another bitch’s crotch then you tie lead weights around their neck and throw them off a bridge. It sounds as though you need coaching in how to keep your hound to heel.
Now, I know how you’re feeling. I too was left high and dry by my fiancée many years ago – a topic which I cover extensively within my recent publication, ‘Planet-Sized Whores’.
There are two ways in which a self-respecting woman can move on after her partner leaves her:
1. Camp outside his house, and bring other men back to the tent in order to make him jealous.
2. Send death threats and, if he fails to respond in a positive way, acquire a small volume of Hydrofluoric acid. Throwing a drink in a man’s face is always a good way to make an exit.
In terms of acclimatising to the new surroundings, I personally have found that an alcoholic is never short of friends. While drinking in the day might not be something that a doctor would recommend, it certainly provides a great opportunity for you to get to know local people who have been through similar heartache.


Stay strong,


Maudlyn