Dear Aunt
Maudlyn,
My
girlfriend is a vegetarian, but I really love eating meat. She won’t eat out at
the places I love to go, and won’t even kiss me after I’ve eaten meaty food.
What should I do?
Richard
______________________________________________
Dear
Richard,
Have you
considered that your girlfriend may be a lesbian? I certainly smell something fishy with regards to this situation. Many people are unaware of the proven
link between homosexuality and a herbivorous diet.
Based on data from the Office Of National Statistics, 93.67% of female vegetarians in the UK are lesbians. The rest are Female to Male transsexuals. Which of these two categories does your girlfriend fit into?
As far as I can see, there are two parts to this problem. Firstly, in order to cure her of this disease, I suggest that you swap her normal cooking fat for beef dripping, or lace her vegetarian gravy with pork granules. As soon as she starts to eat a carnivorous diet, her carnal urges will re-surface.
Secondly, you need to make sure that she knows her place. Sadly, there are laws in this country that prevent men from beating their partners so we'll have to look at other options.
Once her healthy Heterosexual urges return, you need to start using sex as a bartering weapon – as all happy couples do. If you ‘eat out’ in her favourite place, then she’ll soon do as she’s told if there’s a risk of enforced celibacy.
Based on data from the Office Of National Statistics, 93.67% of female vegetarians in the UK are lesbians. The rest are Female to Male transsexuals. Which of these two categories does your girlfriend fit into?
As far as I can see, there are two parts to this problem. Firstly, in order to cure her of this disease, I suggest that you swap her normal cooking fat for beef dripping, or lace her vegetarian gravy with pork granules. As soon as she starts to eat a carnivorous diet, her carnal urges will re-surface.
Secondly, you need to make sure that she knows her place. Sadly, there are laws in this country that prevent men from beating their partners so we'll have to look at other options.
Once her healthy Heterosexual urges return, you need to start using sex as a bartering weapon – as all happy couples do. If you ‘eat out’ in her favourite place, then she’ll soon do as she’s told if there’s a risk of enforced celibacy.
Best wishes,
Maudlyn
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