SMGF. 'Merthy', somewhere near Newbury Park.
(watch out!)



Dear Maudlyn,


There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the regulations for dogs on leashes at Newbury Park. Some of the local residents will allow their pets to run wild, sniffing other animals and urinating on trees, while the well behaved tenants will keep their pets on the leash.
I watched as an elderly woman took a tumble after a dog chased her turtle around her legs, wrapping her up like a BDSM mummy. I've tried phoning the police several times only to be told not to dial the emergency line. Is it proper to threaten these violators with a weapon?


Love,


Pushed Too Far Merthy
______________________________________________

Dear ‘Merthy’,


Though you assert your discontent with this situation, I feel it is my duty – as an untrained professional in psychiatry and sexual therapy – to draw attention to the fact that you clearly received some kind of voyeuristic pleasure from observing the old woman’s pain. I noticed that you ‘watched’ as it happened, rather than intervening, and the parallel that you’ve made between BDSM – a sexual fetish – and the tangled pensioner tells me more about your preferences than I believe you would wish to make public.
The fact that you have also considered acting out one of your fantasies, by beating the innocent members of the public without their prior permission, deeply concerns me.
The medical acronym for your condition is SMGF – Sado-Masochistic Granny Fancier. Thankfully, there are several prescription drugs on the market that are able to treat this disease. If you email me your health insurance details I will happily write you a prescription. I believe that fifteen milligrams of diazepam, three times a day, should be sufficient to alleviate the symptoms of your disturbed psychological state.


Regards,


Maudlyn