My Husband is driving me to Gnomophobia. Beatrice, North Kensington.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My husband, Stuart, has recently taken to collecting garden gnomes. I wouldn’t mind, but we don’t have a garden. I hardly ever see him anymore. He locks himself in the spare room and spends hours painting and playing with them. He only ever leaves to eat, use the toilet and call his mother.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Beatrice

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Dear Beatrice,

I've come across this condition before, while working in an orphanage in southern Ethiopia during the prolonged famine of the eighties.

Your husband is suffering with a neurotic disorder, known as gnomosexuality. There are few cures for this illness, but there are measures that you should take in order to prevent the disorder from progressing any further. If you don’t then I fear you will lose him forever.

I would advise that you take one of three possible steps. They are:

      1.       Start a chip pan fire, and then go shopping. This will ensure that the house, and all of its contents – including the gnomes – are destroyed. In the ensuing chaos, your husband may be shocked into forgetting his obsession as his energy will be spent rebuilding the life that you have created together.

      2.       Stage a violent robbery and have the gnomes removed. In the aftermath, your husband is likely to be sufficiently traumatised to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983. Heavy medication and intense psychotherapy may help to curb his illness before it further deteriorates.

      3.       Convert to Scientology – a new and cutting edge religion for both the wealthy and poor (but mainly wealthy). Their brain-cleansing techniques will help to rid your husband of the phobias and neuroses that may have led to his unnatural urges.

All the best,

Aunt Maudlyn