Desperate for Posh Totty - Kenneth, UK

Dear Aunt Maudlyn, 

I’m writing to you for direction and advice. I’ve been on the quest for love of all kinds (sexual, emotional, material) for several years now and I’m finding it hard to find my niche amongst the women of this world. I’ve reached a dead end - more often than not I find myself hanging out with girlfriends of friends, or just ‘friendzoning’ the life out of girls I meet on a day to day basis. I can’t work out what I’m doing wrong. Could you help? Here’s a little bit of background info that might hold the key to my recent barren years - I spend a lot of time with girls that can only be described as ‘strongly middle class’. 
I myself am a man of the people, working class through and through and someone my friends describe as a ‘good kid’. But these girls - these girls can only be described as ‘twats’ and yet I hang out with them time and time again. I’ve developed my middle class banter and competently keep up with their musings on life, skiing, house prices and keeping fit, but somehow it isn’t getting me anywhere. Can they see through this facade? Am I best finding a nice girl in Asda in Boots, someone who’s a bit more on my ‘level’ intellectually and emotionally? 

Kind regards, 

Anon

________________________________________________________

Dear Kenneth,

I apologise for the long delay in answering your question. I would have answered it immediately, but unlike with your situation, my own juices have been flowing like Pakistani mud huts in Tsunami season. At one point, I even considered installing a 2-way rotary system downstairs, but my financial adviser suggested not - stating that this could negatively affect my above-average lady parts, and lead to a reduction in profits.

Like you, I too was born as working class scum. Having ridden my way from the gutters of Hull to the gutters of Belgravia, I am probably the best person to offer advice with regards to your situation. Don’t waste your time on middle class women. Middle-class women are famously bad in the bedroom. Most would rather masturbate against their horse saddles than sleep with their partners, which is why the twisted, perverted, sexually-frustrated husbands often call upon my niche services. Furthermore, middle-class women only ever marry wealthy men – with the exception of those who stay single because no man could ever satisfy them like their dear “Mr Cloppyhoof”.

Due to the fact that you have not sent in a photo of either yourself or your genitalia, I am unable to offer you a horoscope reading or determine whether the cause of your problem could be a medical condition. It is possible that you may be suffering from an affliction known as “veryuglybastard” syndrome. If you do suffer with this disorder, then never fear! There is still hope!

In such situations, my default advice would be to look elsewhere in the market. Why not try an older woman, or a woman with a hare-lip? Alternatively, you could find yourself a heroin addict. Though heroin addicts often have a bad reputation in our society, you might find that underneath the drug addiction they sometimes have not bad personalities – and they might not even rob you after sex, provided they get their fix first.

Best regards,

Aunt Maudlyn

Free to be Flatulent! Anne, Birmingham

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My heart is full of woe as I write this letter to you. I am a bubbly, fun-loving individual but of late my happiness has been marred by chronic flatulence.

As a result of this incurable problem, my husband now refuses to go down on me during the sex. Last time not only did I break wind, I followed through. I’m only thirty-one, and we’d been planning on having children together, but my stomach problem has severely damaged the passion that was once between us.

Please, tell me what to do or my marriage will die.

Anne

______________________________________________

Dear Anne,

I am much aggrieved to hear of your uncomfortable predicament. Your husband must be very frustrated, and disgusted, by your problems. However, although I’m sure you count yourself lucky that he’s stayed, the ball is now in your court.

He has remained out of love, in spite of your grotesque disability. Now is your turn to show an act of love and kindness. Set him free, and join a convent. He’s still a young man – he deserves to live a normal life, free from the repugnant scent that lingers and engulfs him.

Without him, or any other men around you, your current shame – caused by the obvious feelings of revulsion that you illicit in the opposite sex – will trouble you no more. Your flatulence is a symbolic calling from Jesus. Respond to that call. Take the veil. You will be free again, to devote your time and attention to the convent rules.

Having received my PhD in ancient scriptures from the Universally acclaimed Cornwall Road Academy of Religion (it’s above the off-licence), I consider myself an expert on this matter – and so should you. It is stated in an ancient text, amongst those religious ones, that for a woman to preserve her dignity she must conceal herself. Only anonymity can forgive a female her flatulence!

Good luck with these steps ahead of you. 

Maudlyn

SMGF. 'Merthy', somewhere near Newbury Park.
(watch out!)



Dear Maudlyn,


There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the regulations for dogs on leashes at Newbury Park. Some of the local residents will allow their pets to run wild, sniffing other animals and urinating on trees, while the well behaved tenants will keep their pets on the leash.
I watched as an elderly woman took a tumble after a dog chased her turtle around her legs, wrapping her up like a BDSM mummy. I've tried phoning the police several times only to be told not to dial the emergency line. Is it proper to threaten these violators with a weapon?


Love,


Pushed Too Far Merthy
______________________________________________

Dear ‘Merthy’,


Though you assert your discontent with this situation, I feel it is my duty – as an untrained professional in psychiatry and sexual therapy – to draw attention to the fact that you clearly received some kind of voyeuristic pleasure from observing the old woman’s pain. I noticed that you ‘watched’ as it happened, rather than intervening, and the parallel that you’ve made between BDSM – a sexual fetish – and the tangled pensioner tells me more about your preferences than I believe you would wish to make public.
The fact that you have also considered acting out one of your fantasies, by beating the innocent members of the public without their prior permission, deeply concerns me.
The medical acronym for your condition is SMGF – Sado-Masochistic Granny Fancier. Thankfully, there are several prescription drugs on the market that are able to treat this disease. If you email me your health insurance details I will happily write you a prescription. I believe that fifteen milligrams of diazepam, three times a day, should be sufficient to alleviate the symptoms of your disturbed psychological state.


Regards,


Maudlyn

Dancing Queen. Anon, Stafford.

Hi Maudlyn

Whenever i go out to dance', people always think I'm gay. I hate this because women will dance with me then turn away and laugh if I try to dance with them. and men will come up to me and start humping my leg!! 

Maybe its the clothes I wear, or the way I dance, or my expressions? I don't know! But I'm tired of being mistaken for a homosexual. I want to impress the ladies and dance like a stud! Have you got any suggestions?

Anon.

______________________________________________

Dear Darren,

I’m very sorry to hear of your homosexuality, though I am pleased that you’re persevering with finding a woman. Try not to look at a woman when you dance with her. Most women, especially sluts, prefer not to make eye contact. Have you ever tried reaching over and grabbing at a breast, or a crotch? Uninvited sexual contact, while slightly illegal, may sufficiently indicate to those around you that you’re on a ‘gash hunt’ rather than searching for a homosexual night of passion.
Also, try engaging in ‘themed dances’, such as ‘the chicken dance’, ‘jazz hands’, ‘changing the lightbulb’, or ‘spanking the bishop’. The ‘dutty wine’ is also very popular at the moment, and may just help you to make some new female friends.
In the mean time, try to enjoy the pleasures of thrashing one out to heterosexual pornography.
If all else fails, you should visit a day centre. The mentally and physically disabled are far less discriminatory when it comes to making friends, and your dancing there is bound to entertain and impress.

Best wishes,

Maudlyn

Frustrated and Lonely. Rajita, somewhere foreign probably.

Hi Maudlyn

My husband is not at all romantic.he never kisses me or shows any love. Sex is just a 2 minute affair which is less than twice a year. Most of the time he works away and is far from home. as far as i know he is not having an affair. i feel so lonely. when i talk about it with him,he either changes the topic or makes a joke and leaves the room.i am quite attractive to look at. i have other men friends who would go for an affair with me if i show inclination but i don't want to deceive my husband. i believe in fidelity in marriage. i am very frustrated and lonely.

please tell me what to do

Thanks

Rajita

_______________________________________________

Dear Rajita,

I’m very sorry to hear of your problem. However, having seen the photograph that you sent in, I would like to know who exactly has told you that you’re an attractive woman? Is this an opinion that you have formed by yourself? I’m not going to make comment on your looks, but it appears to me that no one else has either – or at least not with any level of honesty.
Nevertheless, there could be at least two of three possible root causes of your husband’s neglect:
1. Your husband doesn’t find you attractive.~
2. Your husband is having an affair.
3. Your husband is suffering with a disease known as ‘homosexuality’. Though placing your photograph and letter in the context of this hypothesis I would speculate that this is unlikely.
Nevertheless, you’ve let things get to a point where there is nothing that can be done to save the marriage. As a professional in these matters, I would advise that you leave your husband and flee the country for your own safety. Let’s face it, judging by your name, honour killings aren’t exactly unheard of in your circles. Secondly, invest the money that you receive from the divorce in a well-trained cosmetic surgeon to ensure that you do not fall into the same trap a second time around.

You’re welcome,

Maudlyn

It's NOT your Glands, dear. Genevieve, Somerset.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

I’m a diet, and trying to lose four stone. For many years, my weight has been causing me extreme low self-esteem, which has once resulted in self harm. So far I’m really struggling. I haven’t lost a pound and it’s been 6 months.
I can see from your photographs that you’re also a plus sized individual, so you must know what I’m going through.

Will you help me?

Genevieve

_____________________________________________________

Dear Genevieve,

I’m very sorry to hear that you’re struggling with your weight. I personally have never had problems in that department, as I’m able to employ something known as ‘self control’. What you saw in my photographs was nothing more than trapped wind.
It occurs to me that like many plus sized individuals, the root cause of your morbid obesity may be a medical condition. Given my expertise, I would speculate that you have a disorder going by the Latin name of  ‘Greedy Bastarditis’ – commonly accompanied by ‘Lazy Bastarditis’, and nearly always resulting in ‘Fat Bastarditis’. Would I be right in assuming that you have all three?
There are a number of steps that can be taken to combat these embarrassing and unsightly ailments, though the most effective is a daily combination of cigarettes, laxatives and coffee enemas.

I hope that you get well soon,

Yours,

Maudlyn

Proposal. Tom, Willenhall

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,


Will you do me the honour of becoming my beloved wife?


Yours,


Tom. Desperate and lonely, Willenhall
_______________________________________________________


Dear Tom,


While I am flattered by your proposal, I don’t believe in marriage before sex.


Yours,


Maudlyn

Frumpy and Stale. Brenda, Milton Keynes.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,


I’m bored of the way that I look, the places I shop and the make-up I use. Do you have any recommendations to spruce up my style?


Yours,


Brenda, aged 52.
 ____________________________________________________


Dear Brenda,


It is as important to decorate yourself as it is to decorate your house. If you don’t make regular changes to remain fresh, people will end up viewing you as a haggard old tramp with no self respect.
If you’re bored of the way that you look, you’re right to spruce up your image. Go to the hair-dressers, and let them decide what they think will suit you best. Have you ever considered a copper bob, or perhaps a Mohican?
In terms of your makeup, why not try a new range of lipstick – whore red is currently in fashion, as are shades such as coral and hot pink. The best way to ensure that you appear interesting and make a good impression is to look as shocking as possible. 
Try leaving the house in nothing but lingerie and an oversized coat. Dump the old stores, like M & S and upgrade to trendy outfitters such as Primark or Pulse & Cocktail. Wear your love bullet to work, and then switch it on when you’re talking to an attractive colleague. You’re never too old to look desperate and past-it! Take Madonna as a role model in this respect.


All the best,


Maudlyn

Abandoned and Isolated. Lilia, Ojai.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,


My fiancée has just left me and now I must start over from square one, in a brand new city where I know no one. I’m 5000 miles from my beloved. How do I survive the heart break while simultaneously acclimatising to new surroundings and a new life.


Signed,


Lilia
_______________________________________________________


Dear Lilia,


All men are like dogs. If they don’t do as they’re told, you kick them in the gut. If they sniff around another bitch’s crotch then you tie lead weights around their neck and throw them off a bridge. It sounds as though you need coaching in how to keep your hound to heel.
Now, I know how you’re feeling. I too was left high and dry by my fiancée many years ago – a topic which I cover extensively within my recent publication, ‘Planet-Sized Whores’.
There are two ways in which a self-respecting woman can move on after her partner leaves her:
1. Camp outside his house, and bring other men back to the tent in order to make him jealous.
2. Send death threats and, if he fails to respond in a positive way, acquire a small volume of Hydrofluoric acid. Throwing a drink in a man’s face is always a good way to make an exit.
In terms of acclimatising to the new surroundings, I personally have found that an alcoholic is never short of friends. While drinking in the day might not be something that a doctor would recommend, it certainly provides a great opportunity for you to get to know local people who have been through similar heartache.


Stay strong,


Maudlyn

Menopausal and Desperate. Anon, Scunthorpe.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

I am experiencing strange symptoms that I think may be indicative of the menopause.
CAN YOU HELP ME?
Have you gone through it yourself, or is that too personal a question to ask?

Anon.

____________________________________________________

Dear Jean,

While I can certainly offer advice on this matter, I have no idea what you must be going through. Thankfully, I have many years left in my tank. My juices are flowing like Nigeria Falls. One look at Johnny Depp, and I’m wetter than Sri Lanka in monsoon season.
Now, menopause is a problem that many women experience in life – provided they don’t die before they reach the appropriate age.  It’s a time when women experience incontinence, vaginal dryness, chronic fatigue, repulsive body odour, and unsightly facial and body hair growth.
A friend of mine was rendered so dry she’d queef sandstorms in the bedroom, and was banned from the local swimming pool for soaking up the water. On one passionate occasion with her husband, she ran out of Castrol and started a bush fire due to the friction! Poor Barry’s Lord Richard was in bandages for months. Eventually he had to have an orchidectomy to reduce his testosterone levels, to avoid the need for further skin grafts.
In order to maintain a healthy sex life, I would recommend that you buy your partner a dust mask and nose plugs, as well as purchasing rubber sheets for the mattress and carpets. In order to prevent friction burns or grazing, it’s advisable to use Castrol GTX or similar products for long-lasting lubrication and prevention of engine sludge build-up.
Finally, cocaine is my personal drug of choice for maintaining energy levels – and I hear it works well for people of all ages. I would also suggest total face and body lasering to deal with that unsightly ‘Yeti’ appearance that you’re bound to be experiencing.

Best wishes,

Maudlyn

Arranged Marriage. Anon, Brighton.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

I have recently just graduated, and my parents have already started pressuring me to get married... already found a suitable man, in fact. I barely know what I want in life, let alone to get married. What do you think I should do? Talking to them is utterly useless, Indian parents only think a girl can truly be happy once married...

Yours,

Anon.

__________________________________________________

Dear Krishna,

How old are you? Marriage is not a thing that should be entered into without lengthy consideration. Are you ready to abandon your sex life, and become a slave to someone who you will slowly grow to hate? You are right to be apprehensive about this step in your life.
However, while it is something that requires extensive fore-thought, it's still not as big a deal as people make it out to be – 98% of all marriages in today’s society end in death or divorce, sometimes both in rapid succession.
If you have your heart set on being a barren spinster, then I suggest that you try and put these men off in any way that you can. You’re bound to be feeling nervous – eat a large meal before meeting him and then vomit on his shirt. Accuse him of physically interfering with you against your will (sexual assault or rape). Portray yourself as being mentally unbalanced to the extent that he decides that life with you would be hell.
However, do nothing that could bring shame upon your family – and do not argue with your elders. Pakistani parents are renowned for killing or severely mutilating their daughters in chip pan fires, for the sake of preserving family honour. If you’re a fan of Eastenders, you will already be aware of this.

Stay safe, and please feel free to write back if you require any more advice.

Maudlyn

Eating out with my Girlfriend. Richard, Birmingham

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My girlfriend is a vegetarian, but I really love eating meat. She won’t eat out at the places I love to go, and won’t even kiss me after I’ve eaten meaty food. What should I do?

Richard

______________________________________________

Dear Richard,

Have you considered that your girlfriend may be a lesbian? I certainly smell something fishy with regards to this situation. Many people are unaware of the proven link between homosexuality and a herbivorous diet.
Based on data from the Office Of National Statistics, 93.67% of female vegetarians in the UK are lesbians. The rest are Female to Male transsexuals. Which of these two categories does your girlfriend fit into?
As far as I can see, there are two parts to this problem. Firstly, in order to cure her of this disease, I suggest that you swap her normal cooking fat for beef dripping, or lace her vegetarian gravy with pork granules. As soon as she starts to eat a carnivorous diet, her carnal urges will re-surface.
Secondly, you need to make sure that she knows her place. Sadly, there are laws in this country that prevent men from beating their partners so we'll have to look at other options.
Once her healthy Heterosexual urges return, you need to start using sex as a bartering weapon – as all happy couples do. If you ‘eat out’ in her favourite place, then she’ll soon do as she’s told if there’s a risk of enforced celibacy.

Best wishes,

Maudlyn

Bunny Boiler: Marie, Southampton.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My pet rabbit Lady Frances Hollingsworth died yesterday. She was very old, but I miss her very much.
Could you offer some advice on how I can feel better about her passing?

Love

Marie, aged 10.

______________________________________________________

Dear Marie,

Though you haven’t stated the cause of death, you should feel very grateful that she lived to a ripe old age. If I had been given such a hideous name, I’m sure I’d have committed suicide before even reaching adulthood.
Personally, I haven’t had much experience with rabbits – though our Tony often used to poach them, from the neighbours hutches, for me to cook in a nice stew. Having known the delicious taste of rabbit meat, the only thing that I could plausibly suggest is that you help your mother to skin the carcass, dice the flesh and then boil it with mixed vegetables in order to make practical use of what is left of Lady Frances Hollingsworth.
While it won’t bring her back, the delicious flavours may make you feel somewhat better about her passing.

Love,

Aunt Maudlyn

My Husband is driving me to Gnomophobia. Beatrice, North Kensington.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

My husband, Stuart, has recently taken to collecting garden gnomes. I wouldn’t mind, but we don’t have a garden. I hardly ever see him anymore. He locks himself in the spare room and spends hours painting and playing with them. He only ever leaves to eat, use the toilet and call his mother.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Beatrice

________________________________________________________

Dear Beatrice,

I've come across this condition before, while working in an orphanage in southern Ethiopia during the prolonged famine of the eighties.

Your husband is suffering with a neurotic disorder, known as gnomosexuality. There are few cures for this illness, but there are measures that you should take in order to prevent the disorder from progressing any further. If you don’t then I fear you will lose him forever.

I would advise that you take one of three possible steps. They are:

      1.       Start a chip pan fire, and then go shopping. This will ensure that the house, and all of its contents – including the gnomes – are destroyed. In the ensuing chaos, your husband may be shocked into forgetting his obsession as his energy will be spent rebuilding the life that you have created together.

      2.       Stage a violent robbery and have the gnomes removed. In the aftermath, your husband is likely to be sufficiently traumatised to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983. Heavy medication and intense psychotherapy may help to curb his illness before it further deteriorates.

      3.       Convert to Scientology – a new and cutting edge religion for both the wealthy and poor (but mainly wealthy). Their brain-cleansing techniques will help to rid your husband of the phobias and neuroses that may have led to his unnatural urges.

All the best,

Aunt Maudlyn