It's NOT your Glands, dear. Genevieve, Somerset.

Dear Aunt Maudlyn,

I’m a diet, and trying to lose four stone. For many years, my weight has been causing me extreme low self-esteem, which has once resulted in self harm. So far I’m really struggling. I haven’t lost a pound and it’s been 6 months.
I can see from your photographs that you’re also a plus sized individual, so you must know what I’m going through.

Will you help me?

Genevieve

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Dear Genevieve,

I’m very sorry to hear that you’re struggling with your weight. I personally have never had problems in that department, as I’m able to employ something known as ‘self control’. What you saw in my photographs was nothing more than trapped wind.
It occurs to me that like many plus sized individuals, the root cause of your morbid obesity may be a medical condition. Given my expertise, I would speculate that you have a disorder going by the Latin name of  ‘Greedy Bastarditis’ – commonly accompanied by ‘Lazy Bastarditis’, and nearly always resulting in ‘Fat Bastarditis’. Would I be right in assuming that you have all three?
There are a number of steps that can be taken to combat these embarrassing and unsightly ailments, though the most effective is a daily combination of cigarettes, laxatives and coffee enemas.

I hope that you get well soon,

Yours,

Maudlyn